Baldemort's Return: The Complete GoF Parody
by W.H. Woolhat
Summary: A complete, beginning to end parody of the fourth Harry Potter film, in which students dice with death, the Weasleys sport mullets, and Voldemort is quite bald. T for language.


**Author's Note:** Here it is, finally! This movie, along with being the worst of the bunch so far, was the hardest to parody. Add to that the fact that the hard drive I had the file for this stored on failed completely and I had to wait for the data to be recovered...I think you get the picture. This took way longer than I expected. Nevertheless, I tried to make sure the parody flows as smoothly as possible.

If you read, please review! There were a few formatting issues when I uploaded this, but I think I got them all. As usual, footnote numbers are in parenthesis and the footnotes themselves are at the bottom.

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** Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire  
Baldemort's Return**

_**Garden of Opening Credits**_

_This movie is brought to you a by a soundtrack stolen from "Psycho", a big slimy snake, and a pointlessly huge monument of foreshadowing!_

Grim Reaper Statue: Feaaaaaaar the foreshadowing!

_**Off-Screen**_

The Dursleys: Hey, where are we in this movie?

Harry: Sorry, we don't like you any more because Uncle Vernon contributed to another fandom. (1)

Vernon: (_sniffle_)

_**Right Next Door to a Graveyard**_

_Some old guy makes tea in the middle of the night._

Big Creepy House: (_has lamplight in one single window_)

Old Guy: Dang it, someone's messing about with drama again.

Nagini: Not a bad guess.

Voldemort: Nagini tells me that the approaching Muggle does not dig my raspy voice. Allow me to kill him.

Wormtail: Yessir!

Teapot: I whistle at the most dramatic moment possible!

_**Sleepy Time at the Burrow**_

Hermione: OMG HARRY ARE YOU OKAY?! (_shoves a candle in Harry's face_)

Harry: I will be once you stop dripping wax on me.

Ron: OMG, my love interest saw my spiffy PJs!

_**To the Portkey!**_

_The young Weasley family males show off their mullets._

Amos Diggory: Spiffy hair, all. Not as spiffy as my son, of course.

Cedric: Check me out; I'm so hot.

Hermione & Ginny: Mm_hm_!

Diggory, Sr.: And I see you've brought Harry Potter with you!

Harry: At some point, this fact will stop being interesting. (_rolls eyes_)

_**To the Quidditch World Cup!**_

Boot: I'm a portkey, and I'm okay! (2)

Harry: Duh, what's a portkey?

Fred & George: Pfft! "What's a portkey", he says!

(_Boot!Portkey spins everyone into a BIG SHINY VORTEX OF DOOM!_)

_**The Hugely Crowded Quidditch World Cup Fairgrounds**_

_Bunches of wizards walk around, behaving exactly like Muggles do at sporting events._

Mr. Weasley: And this is where all seven of us will be sleeping! (_proud grin_)

Harry: (_deadpan_) A tent.

Tent: Pshaw, I am a house.

Harry: I love magic.

Ron: I love YOU, Harry! (3)

Harry: What?!

Ron: Er, never mind.

_**A Huge Flight of Stadium Steps**_

_The Weasleys (and Hermione and Harry) climb eight thousand stairs._

Ron: I think my nose is bleeding.

Lucius: Just don't drip on me.

Draco: Hehe, we're still better than you, as is evidenced by my spiffy, yet completely impractical, three-piece suit!

Lucius: Hush, you're stealing my thunder.

Draco: Hehe, and my voice is deeper this year!

Lucius: Not for long. (_prods Draco with the Pimp Cane of Doom_)

Draco: (_sniffle_)

Lucius: By the way Potter, consider yourself officially menaced. (_gets Harry with the Pimp Cane of Doom, as well_)

Harry: Ew…

_**A Distastefully Huge Quidditch Stadium**_

Quidditch Teams: (_show off shamelessly_)

Crazed Fans: (_are rabid_)

Ron: VIKTOR KRUM! (_drools_)

Audience: (_phears_)

Fudge: It pleases me to stand here with my wand in my ear and pretend to care about Quidditch!

_**Post-Quidditch Creepiness**_

Mr. Weasley: So apparently we watched the match already?

Ron: Do you mean to say you didn't see Krum?! I mean, KRUM! Those sideburns! That body! (4)

Shippers: OMG NEW FANFIC MATERIAL!

Stuff outside: (_explodes_)

Fred & George: Aw, they love Quidditch as much as we do.

Mr. Weasley: This is scary danger, not team spirit, you idiots.

Fred & George: Oh, well, that's different then.

_Everyone in a ten-mile radius spontaneously panics._

Death Eaters: Yes, setting fire to a post-Quidditch party is exactly what we've always wanted to do after all these years!

Harry: I trip at the most inopportune time possible!

Screaming crowd: We conveniently run around the hero!

_**The Extremely Skeletal Quidditch World Cup Fairgrounds**_

As Yet Unnamed Creepy Guy: (_slimes creepiness everywhere_)

Harry: (_runs away_)

Hermione & Ron: You're alive, and not dead, and stuff!

Dark Mark: Not for long. RAWR!

Harry: Instant migraine!

Barty Crouch: It's totally possible that three teenagers caused this much destruction!

Mr. Weasley: Um, no.

Barty Crouch: Uh, _yeah_.

Harry: Nope. It was some unnamed creepy guy.

Barty Crouch: Right! (_rushes off_)

_**Hogwarts Express, Year Four**_

_The sweet trolley comes by while everyone is attempting to be solemn._

Ron & Harry: Food!

Cho: Food! And did I mention I'm cute?

Harry: Errmmm…(_blush_)

Hermione: This is no time to be slaphappy. You have to talk to Sirius!

Harry: What the heck does he have to do with any of this?

Hermione: I don't know, I just thought I'd drop his name into the conversation all casual-like.

Harry: And for once, I'll take the hint!

Hedwig: Brilliant. Address your correspondence _directly_ to a wanted man.

_**International School Diplomacy**_

Hagrid: Apparently they've added runway attendant to my list of duties?

Giant Submarine Ship: Nah, everyone just wanted to see you fall over.

_**Beginning-of-the-Year Feast, Year Four**_

Sorting Hat: (_sits off-screen and grumbles about being left out _again)

Filch: High-stepping run! Labored breathing! Heart attack!

Students: Um…'kay?

Dumbledore: He's just excited 'cause we get to spend the entire movie on the Tri-Wizard Tournament, which, incidentally, offers three inventive ways of staring down death. Any questions? No? Okay, time for an interlude with a bunch of French floozies.

_The girls of Beauxbatons flutter stupidly, and are followed by the boys of Durmstrang, who are apparently a drill team in their spare time._

Ron: It's VIKTOR KRUM! (_fanboys all over the place_)

Hermione: (_rolls eyes_)

Hagrid: (_stares at Madam Maxime a lot_)

Madam Maxime: (_giggle_)

_**Tri-Wizard Exposition**_

Dumbledore: So, entering the Tri-Wizard Tournament is akin to suicide.

Fred & George: We're in.

Mad-Eye Moody: (_lurks skulkily_)

Enchanted Ceiling: I rain on you!

Moody: Don't think so.

Hermione: Creepy.

Moody: Did I mention I'm distantly related to Quasimodo? And am a raging alcoholic? And have taken lessons at the Hugh Laurie School for Badass Cripples? (5)

Harry: Creepier.

Barty Crouch: Getting _back on topic _here, if you're not seventeen, no staring down death for _you_.

Students: Aww, why not?

Goblet of Fire: (_spits psychedelic blue flames_)

Dumbledore: Because he said so. The rest of you, just stick your name in this here flaming goblet, and we'll pick a few of you to kill off before the movie's end!

_**Defense Against the Dark Arts with Mr. Moody and His Amazing Strap-On Eye**_

Moody: I'm Dumbledore's buddy, and that's that.

Eye: (_wobbles_)

Hermione: Meep.

Moody: Now, who can tell me what's so spectacularly bad about Unforgivable curses?

Hermione: Do you need a definition of "unforgivable", or would the disgusted look on my face suffice?

Mad-Eye: I think I'd rather demonstrate on grubs and other crunchibes. I mean, class pets and other harmless computer-generated visual aids.

Ron: Oh man, spiders _again_?

Moody: You got it, Red.

_There follows an interlude where this proves to be the third movie in a row with amusing spidery antics._

Moody: Now it's time to pick on Neville, as per usual.

Neville: I have emotional baggage in this movie!

Hermione: Dude, enough with the torture.

Moody: You interrupt my fun, I kill spiders on your schoolbooks.

Harry: Don't forget to needlessly point out that I'm the Boy Who Lived.

Moody: Was just getting to that, thanks.

_**Hallway of Whiney Students**_

Hermione: I HATE MOODY! And incidentally, didn't this staircase lead to Divination in the last movie?

Neville: (_cries_)

Moody: Oh for heaven's sake, come on, you're my buddy now.

_**Goblet Fun**_

_Cedric and several other students with death wishes stick their names in the goblet._

Fred & George: Hey Hermione, once we've taken this potion and are older, wiser men, what say you give us a smooch?

Hermione: Ew?

Fred & George: Your loss!

Goblet: Yours too! (_blows Fred & George across the room_)

_Fred & George discover they look like Einstein on a bad hair day and proceed to have a sissy fight_.

Krum: Stop that childish racket and watch me be dramatic.

Ron: _SQUEE!_

Hermione: (_private grin_)

_**Over-Crowded Champion Selection Ceremony**_

Dumbledore: Champion selection calls for dramatic dimming of the lights _and _an obscene amount of alliteration!

_Not surprisingly, Krum, Fleur, and Cedric are chosen and enjoy much adoration._

Dumbledore: Break out the Wheaties!

Snape: Er, sir?

Dumbledore: (_unveils a shiny thing_)

Snape: The movie's namesake is still flaring.

Goblet: I foretell of further danger to our hero!

Dumbledore: HARRY POTTER, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!

Harry: Oh shit.

_And now for the obligatory "We hate Harry" moment, brought to you by Ronald Weasley and the entire population of the Hogwarts Great Hall!_

McGonagall: Except me, 'cause I'm cool like that.

_**Bizarrely-Arranged Trophy Room**_

_Fleur, Cedric, and Krum completely ignore Harry._

Dumbledore: RARRR! (_is uncharacteristically gruff and nasty_)

Harry: Couldn't you completely ignore me, too?

Madam Maxime: Nope, it's angry teacher time.

Moody: Quit ganging up on the kid.

Karkaroff: Well, excuse me.

Barty Crouch: Erm, sorry to say this, but Harry's screwed and has to compete.

Teachers: (_sorrowful look_) Been nice knowing you.

Harry: (_gulp_)

_**Dumbledore's Moodily-Lit Office**_

McGonagall: Why am I suddenly the only one standing up for Harry?

Snape: Because I need _someone _to disagree with.

McGonagall: Well, that's the crappiest reason I've ever heard.

Dumbledore: Actually, it's because I'm copping out this time. Alastor, keep an eye on Harry, would you? (6)

Moody: I was waiting for you to say that.

Dumbledore: I bet you were.

Eye: (_chuckles_)

_**Gryffindor Boy's Dorm, Year Four**_

Ron: I hate you. I hate you. Did I mention I hate you?

Harry: Yeah, stopped feeling the love a while ago.

Ron: Good! (_huffs off to bed_)

_**Hobnobbing with Creepy Reporters**_

Rita Skeeter: I'm Rita Skeeter, and this is my face full of makeup.

Tri-Wizard Champions: Hello, Rita Skeeter's makeup.

Rita: I just want to _touch _you all!

Cedric: Ew.

Rita: Harry Potter! Come sit in my teeny tiny little alcove, where my breasts are conveniently level with your eyes.

Harry: Creepy.

Rita: So, how about I make you more nervous than you already are?

Quick Quotes Quill: (_lies through its fluttering little feathers_)

Harry: How about not?

_**The First Time the Owlery is Ever Shown**_

Owl: Letter from a condemned man!

Harry: Huzzah!

Sirius's writing: (_is girly_)

Harry: Yey, comfort from the only decent family I have!

Owl: Shut up and gimmie a treat.

_**Psychedelic Fire Visions**_

Harry: (_sneaks_)

Sirius: (_materializes in the fire_) Sorry about the raspy voice. Being a bed of live embers will do that to you.

Harry: Weiiiiird.

Sirius: So, another year, another variant on being totally screwed for you, my overly heroic godson.

Harry: I want my mommy.

Sirius: I'm as good as you're going to get, and I don't do the comforting advice thing.

Harry: Gee, thanks.

_**Lakeside Hang-Outage**_

Neville: I love herbology!

Harry: And I'm only hanging out with you as a last resort.

Hermione: Harry, Ron says six thousand students told each other that Hagrid's looking for you.

Harry: Tell Ron he's a jackass.

Hermione: I'm not an OWL!

Harry: Could've fooled me, the way you've been screeching.

_**Rendezvous **_

Hagrid: Me first date, y'know. Wanted you to come along.

Harry: Um. Yeah. Thanks.

Hagrid: Dun worry, it 'as plot significance.

Madam Maxime: Oh Hagrid, you make me so very mushy!

Harry: Half-giant cooties!

Hagrid: Did I mention that first dates involve giant fireballs of doom? And by first dates, I mean Tri-Wizard challenges.

Harry: I am so screwed.

Hagrid: You mean Ron forgot to give you this plot point?

Harry: Dude, Ron is an _ass_.

Hagrid. Right, forgot about that.

**_In Which People Are Unusually Mean to Harry_**

_People leer at Harry just to prove that the Boy Who Lived is not, in fact, universally adored this year._

Harry: Hey Cedric, just thought I'd give away something extremely useful about the first task.

Cedric: Yuh-huh. (_is not particularly grateful_)

Moody: (_lurks lurkily_)

Seamus: (_talks Ron's ear off_)

Harry: Hey Ron, you suck!

Ron: Thanks!

Draco: Hey Potter, _you _suck!

Harry: I suddenly have the guts to get in your face!

Draco: My wand says otherwise.

Moody: Don't _think_ so! (_zaps Draco_)

Draco: (_becomes Amazing Bouncing Ferret Draco_)

Moody: (_shoves Ferret Draco down Crabbe's pants_)

Goyle: (_reaches down Crabbe's pants_)

Audience: Geez, do these people not _know_ about slash fic?

McGonagall: Quit using my subject to punish people.

Moody: You're just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first.

**_Moody's Extremely Creepy Office_**

Harry: Why do I always end up spending inordinate amounts of time alone with the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher?

Big Black Trunk: RARRRRR!

Harry: Um?

Moody: It said, "So how about that dragon?"

Harry: Um, well, you know, I thought I'd just, you know, run away?

Moody: Think again.

**_Pre-Task Scene Number One_**

Hermione: Psst, Harry, shipper appeasing time.

Harry: Oh, all right.

Hermione: Squee! (_jumps on Harry_)

Rita Skeeter: OMGTENTPORN!

Krum: Out, you scum!

Rita: Well, I never. (_flounces_)

Dumbledore: All right, you guys, time to find out who gets fried by what…um, why is Hermione in this scene?

Hermione: Sorry, script editors got drunk, you know how it is...(_sidles off_)

Barty Crouch: Time to draw live dragons out of a bag! Yeehaw!

Harry: And, as usual, I get to be in the most danger.

**_Dragon Task_**

_Harry sits in the tent all alone and contemplates death by crisping._

Dumbledore: Yoo hoo, your turn!

Dragon: Let the rib crunching begin!

Harry: Let's not, and say we did! Never mind that we haven't covered the "Accio" charm yet!

Firebolt: You called?

Harry: Apparently it's not against the rules to leave the arena?

_The dragon mercilessly chases Harry, thus giving us the obligatory birds-eye view tour of Hogwarts._

Dragon: You know, I think I prefer my food pulverized. (_bashes Harry_)

Harry: I shall foil your plan with my suddenly amazing climbing skills!

Roof: (_breaks_)

Harry: Or maybe not. (_flies like hell_)

Dragon: Fried food is also good.

Harry: OMG, MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!

Hermione: But you return to the arena upright and heroic nonetheless!

**_Post-Task Common Room Fun_**

Gryffindors: Oh Harry, I bet you show your golden egg to all the girls!

Harry: Damn straight, fangirl in my general direction!

Egg: Allow me to deflate your ego.

Harry: Oh _snap_.

Ron: So, I saved your ass and that. Pity you didn't figure it out.

Harry: Sorry, I was too busy trying to AVOID BEING EATEN!

**_Great Hall of Harry's Fangirls_**

Cho: (_smile_)

Harry: (_splorts pumpkin juice everywhere_)

Cho: Awwwww, how cute.

Hermione: According to Rita Skeeter, I'm dating Viktor Krum now?

Ron: Nu-_uh_! He's MINE!

Hermione: Um...

Ron: Er, never mind. Harry, meet your latest fanboy.

Nigel: (_squeeish grin_)

Harry: Creepy.

Ron's Dress Robes: You ain't seen nothin' yet!

Ron: Oh, bugger.

**_Yule Ball Training_**

McGonagall: Y'all gotta learn to dance, and Mr. Weasley is going to help me show you how it's done!

Ron: Ew.

Neville: I shall learn to dance! Yey!

Audience: All together now--AWWWW!

**_Tiny Romantic Interlude_**

Hagrid: (_babbles about his family_)

Madam Maxime: (_grooms Hagrid like some overgrown baboon_)

**_Lakeside Between Classes_**

Krum: High-stepping exercise!

Hermione: (_sneers at Krum's fangirls_)

Great Hall Homework Time 

Snape: (_pushes Ron's head viciously_)

Ron: I know, everyone wants to touch my mullet...(_self-satisfied grin_)

Harry: Except girls, apparently.

Ron: Right. How do two dashingly handsome long-haired weirdoes like us go about getting a date?

Fred & George: Pfft, no chance. Y'all haven't got half our charm.

Snape: (_conveniently holds someone's homework THISCLOSE to his face while Fred/George asks Angelina to the ball_)

Ron: (_stares at Hermione's boobs_) You're a girl...

Hermione: With a date, so there. (_flounces away_)

Ron: It's official; we're big losers.

Snape: Hurrah! I'm allowed to abuse students in this movie!

**_Owlery Again_**

Harry: Chooooo, please go to the ball with me!

Cho: I'm ever so sorry, but I'm taken.

Harry: Bugger all...

**_Gryffie Common Room of Egg Clasping_**

Harry: (_BIG HUGE noticeable dramatic lovesick sigh_)

Ginny: Make way for the love-struck brother!

Ron: Fleur! (_stupefied look_)

Harry: What the…

Ron: Fleur!

Hermione: What happened?

Ron: I've been shunned! (_cries_)

Parvati & Padama: (_giggle_)

Harry: Hold on a mo', last resort time…

**_Pre-Ball Whining_**

Ron: Your dress robes make you look like Dracula.

Harry: Thanks. Yours make you look like a ponce.

Ron: So, Hermione's gonna be totally sorry that she turned me down.

Harry: Note how I slipped in a keen British slang phrase as a response.

Ron: I did notice. It sounded appropriately dirty.

Harry: Thank you.

McGonagall: Oh Harry, dance with Parvati, won't you?

Harry: _What_, now?

McGonagall: Did the scriptwriters leave out info _again_?

Harry: Think so.

McGonagall: Sorry about that.

_Harry catches a conveniently upsetting glimpse of Cho with Cedric the Pretty._

Hermione: Yoo-hoo! (_looks way too dang ruffly_)

Harry: OMG, my best friend is a babe. When did this happen?

Krum: Shortly after I asked her out.

Harry: Dang.

**_Yule Ball of the Dancing_**

Harry: Just my luck I'd get stuck dancing with a ponce.

Parvati: Shut up and waltz.

Everyone else: (_completely outshines Harry and Parvati_)

Flintwick: And now for an interlude with a terrible rock band!

Harry & Ron: (_are wallflowers_)

Patil twins: (_eyeroll_)

Hermione: I have the best date ever, so there!

Ron: Krum wants to shag you, you know.

Hermione: Um, so do you.

Ron: DO NOT! (_sulk_)

**_Obligatory Dance Drama_**

Hermione: OMG RON YOU TOTALLY SUCK AND VIKTOR AND I ARE GOING TO BE A PAIR, SO THERE!

Ron: (_phear_)

Harry: C'mon, Ron, Hermione needs her private weepy time.

Ron: Again?

**_Meanwhile, Back at the Ball_**

Hagrid: (_cops a feel_)

Madam Maxime: Kids' movie!

Hagrid: Since when has _that _made any difference?

**_More Creepy Harry Dreams_**

Harry: (_has foreshadowy dreams_)

Dream Wormtail: (_grins rattily_)

Harry: (_wakes up_) Ewww…

Neville: Oh, hallo Harry, I've been making out with Ron's sister.

Harry: _What_ now?

Neville: Er, never mind. (_dances with himself some more_)

**_Hanging Out on the Hugely Long Bridge_**

Hermione: All Viktor likes to do is make out.

Harry: Um...

Hermione: But by the same token, I don't want you to die.

Harry: Uh-huh.

Cedric: Yo, Harry, it's time for me to reveal fun Tri-Wizard tips and factoids!

Harry: But I hate you now, 'cause you asked my chick out.

Cedric: Listen, your tip was groovy, but mine involves getting naked!

Harry: WHAT?!

Cedric: With your _egg_. In the prefects' bathroom of spiffily-colored water.

Harry: Oh, that's different, then.

**_The Prefect's Bathroom of Spiffily-Colored Water_**

Moaning Myrtle: Harry, you're even cuter now that you're more manly.

Harry: (_stockpiles bubbles as quick as humanly possible_)

Moaning Myrtle: Did I mention I can dive _under_ the water?

Harry: I knew I should've worn a bathing suit.

Egg: Can I have a bath, too?

Moaning Myrtle: Be a good boy and listen to your egg.

_Harry dives underwater with his glasses on for some reason._

Egg: So, the next challenge involves merpeople and holding your breath for a long time.

Harry: Terrific.

**_Research and Plotting_**

Hermione: OMG WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HARRY?

Harry: I HAVE NO IDEA.

Moody: Time for me to make strategic placements again. Neville, go be Harry's buddy.

Neville: And dispense useful knowledge?

Moody: You got it.

**_The Lake Task_**

Neville: Here're your steroids, Harry.

Harry: What?

Neville: I mean gillyweed. Don't worry, it'll _probably _keep you from dying.

Harry: Gee, thanks.

Tri-Wizard Fans: We love a good potentially deadly scene!

Dumbledore: Last night, we snuck into your dorms and swiped the thing that's closest to your hearts, so go rescue it, got it?

_Moody hangs around Harry, as usual._

Moody: Chew that slimy weed!

Harry: Ew.

Moody: Now get in the water!

Harry: (_turns into a fishboy_) What is this, the Incredible Mr. Limpet?

Neville: Oh shit.

_Harry swims around for an inordinately long time until he finally discovers a bunch of creepy merpeople guarding Ron, Hermione, Cho, and Fleur's little sister._

Cedric: Tick tock, Harry miladdo!

Harry: Yeah yeah, you and your bubbleface save Cho, see if I care.

Krum: (_is a shark_)

Harry: Okay, that's two…

Fleur: (_is AWOL_)

Harry: OMG FLEUR IS GONE! I MUST SAVE EVERYONE!

Grindylows: Stop it with your hero complex!

Harry: My gills!

_Harry somehow manages to shove Ron and Fleur's little sister all the way to the surface WITHOUT MAGIC, blast the grindylows, and zap himself to the surface._

**_On the Surface_**

Harry: (_splorts water everywhere_)

Moody: That's my boy!

Fleur: CHAMPIONS ALL! (_smooches for Ron & Harry_)

Ron: Duuuuurrrrrh... (_slaphappy_)

Dumbledore: Okay, Harry came in last, but he was all heroic and stuff, and therefore is second only to Cedric.

Karkaroff: Excuse me, _what _now?

**_Post Second Task_**

Moody: (_lurks suspiciously_)

Barty Crouch: Soaking wet hero boy! Walk with me.

Harry: Um…

Moody: Don't think so.

Crouch: I hate you.

**_Walking About in the Forest_**

Hagrid: YEYY Harry, YEYY Harry's friends, YEYY everything!

Harry: Shut up and let me angst.

Barty Crouch: (_is dead behind a tree_)

Harry: Oh crap.

**_Dumbledore's Office of the Yelling_**

Dumbledore: You are an incompetent moron.

Fudge: Excuse me WHAT now?

Dumbledore: You heard me.

Moody: So did Harry. (_opens door_)

Harry: Did not!

Dumbledore: Oh well, doesn't matter. Have some candy while we so conveniently leave you alone.

The instant Dumbledore is gone, Harry knocks all the candy on the floor like a good little teenager.

Licorice Snaps: Did we mention that if you stomp on the floor in just the right spot, you'll uncover Dumbledore's secret store of memories?

Apparently, wizards keep their memories in big glowing bowls.

Harry: Oooh, shiny... (_is mesmerized_)

**_Inside the Pensive_**

_Harry is plunked down in the middle of Judge Judy: Wizard Edition._

Barty Crouch: So, you, Igor Karkaroff, a DEATH EATER—

Wizengamot: GASP!

Barty Crouch: --are here to squeal on someone?

Karkaroff: Yes indeed. Your son is totally a Death Eater.

Crouch, Jr.: Well, I never!

Moody: You so have. (_zappo!_)

Harry: Ew.

_**Back Outside the Pensive**_

Harry: Dude, trippy.

Dumbledore: It's a Pensive, but I'll drag out the "e" to make it sound more dramatic. And, despite its shiny powers, I'm not as wise as I may seem! (_teardrop_)

Harry: ...

Dumbledore: I mean, RARR!

Harry: Might this creepy dream I've been having be of help?

Dumbledore: NO DUH! I mean, no. Not at all. Go to bed.

_**Hallway Time**_

Karkaroff: Hey Sev, let's compare tattoos.

Snape: Ew.

Harry: Ew.

Karkaroff: What're YOU staring at? (_flounces away_)

Snape: C'mere, Potter, and check out my potion storeroom.

Harry: I am wary of you being forward with information.

Snape: Well, pay attention, 'cause it ain't gonna happen much. You and your buddies are making Polyjuice potion, aren't you?!

Harry: Nope, you're about two years too late for that one.

_**Third Task**_

French Chicks: (_dance the Macarena to with accompaniment from Hogwarts' spontaneously-generated brass band _)

Diggory Sr. & co.: And now, once again, our heroes! Cedric the Pretty, Fleur the Supposedly Prettier, VIKTOR KRUM, aaaaand…Harry Potter!

Harry: (_gulp_)

Dumbledore: All you have to do is race through this maze and grab the trophy for your own!

Tri-Wizard Fans: Hurrah for shameless personal gain!

Dumbledore: By the way, you all may just encounter soul-eating winds of change.

Harry: Um, yey?

Dumbledore: Go to it!

Moody: (_casually maps out the maze with his magical eye_)

Harry: Mordor, Moody, is it right or left? (7)

Moody: Wrong fandom. But, incidentally…left.

Dumbledore: Quit cheating, you!

_**Inside the Maze**_

_Lots of heavy breathing and dramatic shots of people's feet ensue._

Cedric: (_nearly gets eaten by bushes_)

Fleur: I want my mommy!

Krum: (_creepy white-eyed glare_)

Fleur: Ohhhh poopy. (_does get eaten by bushes_)

Harry: That is NOT COOL! (_sends up a distress signal on Fleur's behalf_)

Bushes: Mmm, a hero. Delicious and nutritious!

Harry: Oh _snap_! (_runs like hell_)

Bushes: Did we mention that we borrowed the creepy whispers from that American plane crash show?

Tri-Wizard Cup: (_glints seductively_)

Harry: Oooh, shiny!

Cedric: _My _shiny thing!

_Harry and Cedric proceed to have a sissy fight over said shiny thing._

Bushes: Come back here, Pretty Hero Boy! We haven't eaten you yet!

Harry: Don't think so.

Cedric: Aw, I totally owe you my life.

Harry: Shut up and touch the Cup.

Tri-Wizard Cup: I'm a portkey.

Harry & Cedric: Gee, thanks for the warning.

Cedric: Where are we?

Harry: Well, I don't think we're in Kansas any more…

Cedric: So, you think we're screwed?

Wormtail: You are.

Mini-Mort: Yeah, you are.

_**Everything That Makes This Movie PG-13 Happens In Quick Succession**_

Cedric: Wait a sec, what—(_is mercilessly Avada Kedavra'd_)

Harry: Oh, you did _not _just do that!

Wormtail: Yeyy, I have a chance to be cool in this movie!

Harry: Imprisoning me in a statue and cutting off your own hand isn't cool.

Wormtail: Shut up, I need _your_ blood now.

Harry: Meep.

Wormtail: There, all done. Time to run away like a pansy.

Voldemort: You do that. I prefer to make my dramatic entrances alone. Ladies and gentlemen…I AM VOLDEMORT!

Harry: More like Baldemort.

Voldemort: (_feels himself up_) Damn. WORMTAIL! Make a note to call my plastic surgeon.

Wormtail: (_stares_) Yeah, I'll get right on that...

_Voldemort summons the Death Eaters and proceeds to have a long, whispy monologue in their general direction._

Voldemort: So, y'all suck for abandoning me, and I'll get around to kicking your asses as soon as I'm done with Harry.

Wormtail: I'm your most loyal minion! I swear!

Voldemort: Actually, you're the second worst minion ever, but you have nice hair. (_petpet_)

Harry: OMG EW.

Voldemort: Ah yes, time to torment you. (_pokes Harry_)

Harry: Saurman called. He wants his fingernails back.

Voldemort: Shut up and come play nice with Uncle Voldie!

Harry: BRING. IT. ON.

Voldemort: So, you're dead.

Harry: Nuh-_uh_.

Voldemort: Yep. Says so here in the script.

Harry: Apparently no one's told you about the script editor's tendency to party. (_zappo!_)

Voldemort: Foiled by glowy parental visions! Curses!

_**Back at the Third Task**_

Tri-Wizard Fans: YEYYYY!

Harry: WHAAAAAA!

Fleur: (_screeches loudly_)

Harry: OMG VOLDEMORT AND CEDRIC'S DEAD AND MY LIFE SUCKS AND AND AND…

Dumbledore: Dude, calm _down._

Diggory Sr.: My son!

Cho: My boyfriend!

Fudge: My reputation!

Moody: C'mon Harry, I must conveniently lead you away from everyone!

Harry: I'm too upset to argue!

_**Moody's Office Again**_

Moody: (_locks the door creepily_) So, tell me all about Voldie!

Harry: What are you, his fanboy or something?

Moody: No, no, merely curious. (_hands twitch_)

Harry: Well, he was creepy, and bald, and skinny, and bald…

Moody: (_furious potion search!_) Yes, yes, but what actually _happened _in the graveyard?

Harry: Waiiiiit a second, who told you about the graveyard?

Moody: You're so unperceptive that I'll spend the next ten minutes yelling at you!

Dumbledore: Dramatic entrance! Veritaserum! Hurrah!

Moody: Okay! I admit it! I'm not Moody! Please don't be uncharacteristically gruff and nasty at me!

The Real Moody: 'Bout time.

Dumbledore: Why do you have your hand over your face?

Real Moody: They used up the special effects budget on transformations.

Dumbledore: Again?

Snape: So it was _him_ that was making potion!

Harry: YEAH!

Snape: Shut up.

Crouch, Jr: (_sweats all over the place_)

Harry: There's a lot of ew in the movie, did you notice?

_**Cedric is Dead and Other Stories**_

Dumbledore: So, since Oliver Wood hasn't been around in two movies, Cedric was our remaining Pretty Boy, and now that he's gone, we're seriously lacking in bishiness. Apparently Voldemort is more bitter about his crappy plastic surgeon than we thought...

Harry: (_sniffle_)

_**Harry's Dorm**_

Harry: (_broods_)

Dumbledore: (_lets himself in_)

Harry: Don't you ever knock?

Dumbledore: Nah, I just kinda show up when I'm needed.

Harry: Well, I _could _use some comforting…

Dumbledore: Sorry, but more doom and gloom will soon descend upon you and all those you love!

Harry: Terrific.

_**Big Goodbye Party**_

Krum: Oh Hermione, you are ever so wonderful…

Hermione: Um…thanks? (_giggle_)

Fleur: Goodbye, cute boy with the mullet!

Ron: Durh...

_Everyone hugs and laughs and says goodbye in the most jovial way possible._

Harry: Bah, I will never find happiness again!

Ron: Yes you will.

Hermione: No he won't, and neither will we!

Harry: And, as we all know, Hermione's always right.

Audience: What, no happy ending?

Harry: Of course not. Must set the stage for my hormonal teenage angst in the next movie!

Ron: Oh, bollocks.

THE END

* * *

1) I'm amused by the fact that Richard Griffiths played Slartibartfast in BBC Radio 4's production of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Tertiary Phase_.  
2) Ripping off the beginning of Monty Python's "Lumberjack Song"  
3) Potter Puppet Pals 2, "Trouble at Hogwarts"; have to credit my friend, Kat, for suggesting this one!  
4) Mike repeatedly says this sort of thing regarding the princess in the _Monkees_ episode "Fairy Tale".  
5) Hugh Laurie currently plays House on _House, MD_,and House is, of course, a badass with a bum leg.  
6) There is no better pun to use at this point than the one they used in the movie!  
7) I couldn't resist! 


End file.
